Sunday... today marks a 72 hour eating binge I'd like to refer to as, "The Weekend of Shame". I know a lot of folks who commiserate with me in this. We overeat, beat ourselves up, and either trudge on ahead in ignorance or get extra mad and plan on another eating spree.
I have to confess that this weekends food festival was especially bad because I haven't overeaten like this for ages. I mean it. Sometimes I will hear people shame themselves over how they could pound a bag of M&M's or a box of cookies. So when I tell you that Since friday I've eaten: 6 krispy kreme donuts, 15 chicken nuggets and some fries, two hot dogs with everything on them, a mess of chips, ice cream, pasta salad a cupcake, 3 bowls of fruit loops a cup o noodles and just now I polished off a bag of Mike & Ike's, believe me I could eat some M&M's right now too! In fact that is exactly why I'm blogging because an hour ago in tears I was on my way to a pity party at the Lake Kathryn Store to buy a giant bag of peanut butter M&M's.
The eating wasn't at all about hunger. It actually began on the heels of some spiritual emotional turmoil, but I had to press on. It was my daughters birthday and I had to be fun mom. She had requested donuts instead of cake. So when Greg walked through the front door with 48 assorted krispy kreme donuts it was like he held a bag of kryptonite. So I ate one, and that was all it took. I knew after the second one that I had just opened pandora's box and there was no hope of turning back. The carbs made me feel great for 20 minutes and then just like that my blood sugar would drop and the cycle would start over again, and every time I would feel more and more ashamed and uncomfortable.
See I don't like to be uncomfortable, especially spiritually, and have been for a long time. I've been waiting for God to do some things in me and my life for a long time and they just haven't happened, or at least not the way I thought. It's been discouraging, and caused me to say things to myself like, "What am I doing wrong? Did I even hear you right? Am I running after something I made up and not a vision you gave me? I must be an idiot for hoping." Then even when I hear myself saying or feeling those things I've just tried to suck it up because I know that by now I shouldn't even think twice that God loves me, even if I don't feel like he does. Nevertheless, I struggle with that sometimes. It's uncomfortable not knowing what God's plan is at every turn and yet I want to trust him entirely. After attempting to change my bad attitude I hit a wall this afternoon and I was frustrated. I was mad at God, mad at myself and I was going to solve my discomfort with the unknown by using a great big bag of M&M's.
I started to walk out the door and Greg asked where I was headed. I told him and he extremely gently said, " Wait, look I know I can't make you not do this but would you at least consider buying a small bag?" See we've been married 15 years and he knows I've been on Weight Watchers for 2 years and have lost 40 pounds, so he recognizes what's happening. I told him thank you and jumped into the car prepared to get the huge bag anyways. As I pulled out of the driveway I was already feeling something in me say "You don't have to do this. It is not going to satisfy you." It was gentle and not the familiar condemnation of my own inner voice. It was hopeful, yet I rejected it then sped down the street trying to ignore it. As I got to the highway a familiar face smiled and waived as they drove by. Pastor Rory. I thought, "Are you kidding me right now? Oh well he's probably going into town." In the 30 seconds it took to get up to the store I thought, "What if he turns in there? What if he sees me? I do not want to explain myself, this is so embarrassing." He turned in to Lake Kathryn village and parked next to me. I was totally busted. I confessed what I was there for. I told him how Greg had counseled me before I left and he agreed. "Just get a small bag".
So there I was feeling absolutely cared for by God but still trying to figure out a way I could walk out of the grocery store that big bag of candy and not regret it. It didn't happen. I paced up and down that aisle for a good ten minutes. Eventually I settled on a diet iced tea and a small bag of Mike & Ikes which I came home and shared with the two darling little girls that were at our home this afternoon. That felt better than any amount of keeping it all to myself.
In the end it just amazed me that even in my full on rebellion, frustration and imperfection, God showed His love and comfort for me anyways. Not condemnation, not shame, but the gentle nudging of His voice giving me MANY opportunities to turn away from the temptation to keep eating. It has been a with beautiful few hours at home since then. I can't believe God cares so much for my heart attitude that he would encourage me by his word, by my husband and even by one of my pastors showing up at the last minute. How could I ever say God doesn't care about me when this afternoon the proof of his love was overwhelmingly personal and comforting.
Tomorrow is a new day. Back to weight watchers tracking, back to caring properly for the bod God gave me and being honorable to him, respectful to myself, and a better example to my daughters. However for today I can live with the reminder that he shows his love to me even in the midst of my brokenness.
This verse reminds me of his deep love for me at my very worst...
Romans 5: 6-8
"6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
This verse reminds me that he's not finished with me yet....
Phillipians 1:6
"6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
