There are new things on the horizon. My 35th year of life has come to a close, and the dawn of a new era begins. Not really, just the dawn of tomorrow morning and a new whole foods diet. I've tried several and discovered that yes I feel like crap when I eat junk food...and not when I eat whole foods. To be honest I don't care too much about the science of it, I just know it works. So there's that.
In other news, I've been reeling for the past several years with the mid-life blues off and on. I'm 36 I have a 16 and 12 year old daughter who are both the joy of my heart and greatest challenger of my existence. I recently quit my job to home school them. Realizing that this resounds with complaint let me say that it's not a choice to be regretted. I only realized today that I don't like doing it, because I'm not very good at it. (Insecurity anyone?) It's true I must lean heavily on the Lord just to get by, but man I'd like to be an awesome teacher. In fact I'd like to be awesome at anything.
Perhaps the Lord is using this time in my life to weed out the ugly bitter roots of pride that are desperately clinging to the walls of my soul? Maybe He's using this time to show me how much I need Him in everything. He could be teaching me a lot of things. I'm just trying to listen...and it's hard. Life gets so distracting that His voice is faint, but when He has spoken it's been obvious. He's taught me: I need a passion and a purpose in Him, driven by Him alone. I must spend time quietly before Him in focused prayer and in the word, and I must NOT give up trying to know Him better and fighting the good fight for the kingdom.
However.... it.is.NOT.easy.
I am so tempted to give up and give in to the world around me. To throw my kids back on the bus and let someone else tell them how to live. To stop trying to follow the example of Christ's life by loving others instead of judging. He even lets me choose to test the waters of this world sometimes, and thankfully see that there is NOTHING sweeter than sticking with Him. I just wish I could remember those things in the darkest moments. However, I press on. Trying to live like Jesus, failing, receiving forgiveness, and growing deeper all the time. My comfort is in a verse that says, He is weak, but we are strong... and yes Jesus loves me. The way He treats me and His word both agree that He loves me and is strong enough to handle me. No matter where I'm at in life. Whew. That's a good enough reminder for tonight anyways. Goodnight friends. Remember God is good all the time, even when we're at our worst we've not fallen too far for Him to reach us and pull us back.
