Lord have mercy! No really He does. He has more than mercy. I want to share a story with you this morning about what His mercy looks like. Bear with me for a moment, and just imagine this scene.
It's nighttime and you're all snuggly warm under the covers reading a good book. There's a slight breeze outside, nothing of consequence, just a peaceful whispering that compliments the story you're in to. You're at the climax of the chapter just before the best part where a huge secret is revealed, then it happens. As you turn the page you hear a pulse in the power lines and bam! The whole world around you is thrown into complete darkness.
Now, you're not worried because the surroundings are so familiar. It's your bedroom right? So you know it like the back of your hand. I mean you could probably draw a diagram of it blindfolded. You close you're eyes, because you're a visual person, and try to remember where you put the flashlight. Grasping at the first shelf of your bookcase you feel around for the little light you were sure was there, and nothing. No big deal. There's a candle so you start feeling around for a lighter or matches. You grab what feels like a lighter, but it's only one of the kids pens they left in your room when you weren't paying attention. Ok no lighter that's fine, but now you have a slight urgency to go to the bathroom. You have to get up. Trying one more time your hand goes searching across the bookshelf next to you for a light to no avail. Now you're getting irritated. You were sure it was right there to be depended on in darkness. You get out of bed and make your way to the bathroom, slowly, through a minefield of lego pieces and dog toys you had easily avoided in the light.
Humor me ok there is a point to this.
So now you're in the bathroom. Sitting, well you know where, all vulnerable and thinking I know there's a cabinet above me. You try to picture it, strategically rising to avoid it and blam! You hit your head right on the corner. Now you're fuming. There's no light, you can't finish your book, and your head might be bleeding but you can't tell because there's no light. Using cold water to wash your hands you prepare to head back to bed and because you're angry and in pain you rush this time thinking you don't care how many legos you step on. You just.want.bed. That's when it happens... you trip over the dog and faceplant.... right next to your bed. When you reach your hands in front of you to sit up that's when you feel the outline of the maglite next to your bed. It was there the whole time. Tears fill your eyes because you're so tired at this point, but you crawl into bed and go to sleep bruised ego, bruised body, broken heart and mad at yourself. The next morning all you can do is laugh when you look back on the scene because the whole thing was ridiculous.
This was the visual I got this morning during quiet time.
Ten years ago my life was at a point of chaos. I had been hopeful of certain expectations and discouraged by the appearance of how it was playing out. Though I knew that God had been so faithful in the recent past i'd become tunnel visioned, like when you get into a book and can't be distracted easily. You see my mother was dying and choosing to remain in an abusive situation in her own home. (That is an entirely different blog post) Everything appeared out of control and that there was nothing that I could do to help the situation. At the time I was a believer, working at a church and never attending. I read my bible occasionally as a consolation, but most of the time I spent reading kids' versions to them as I worked in the nursery.
In an attempt to force a distraction I went to college thinking that would help. Things only became more stressful and over the next year and a half I was angry, smoking two packs a day, drinking a ton of coffee and trying to fix everything myself. Finally, I failed at something I thought I was really good at. After being made a fool of in front of my entire english class I had my first panic attack ever. I thought I was dying.
Now God being God and loving me the way He does, He sent a special man to be a part of the paramedic team that took me to the hospital that day. It was my 2nd grade teacher. When I looked up and called him Mr. Barber the other paramedics started teasing him relentlessly. At least I felt safe and He was a great comfort to me that day. However the shame I felt when Greg came to get me was unbearable. I decided I was crazy and resolved that I would do whatever it took to be as normal as possible. For the record, Greg never thought I was crazy, but this was all very hard for him.
(If you're tired of reading by now I'd just like to encourage you to finish this story because of the really, really, really good ending. Hopefully your power doesn't go out. ;)
I went to an MD who declared that other than being perfectly healthy I had hidden depression. In time I ran right back to his office to have him get me off the meds. Now, i'm not against meds for everyone, but for me they were NOT.GOOD. They had made me feel crazier than ever. Having a closer look at the exam room this time I noticed that the entire thing was littered with advertising for the drug he'd given me. A clock, notepads, pens, a desk pad.... that should have been my first clue. So I made an appointment for a psychiatrist down the street and declared myself insane. We had one appointment. I walked in and told him I was nuts. He took one look at me and said..."Well the good news is that people who are nuts usually don't know that they are. You're not crazy." Finally. Hope. Two more weeks later when I went in for a check up at the MD, and the entire office was cleaned out. They had closed permanently. Creep.
Then things really got bezerk. I became pregnant with our second child, my husband got laid off, then my mom finally let us move in with her and care for her because "we had no place to go". Let me tell you that 3 years was both the most precious time and the worst hell of my life. After my mother died I was finally convinced to seek counseling for the first time, and it was the best thing I ever did. The counselor helped me see that panic attacks were caused by unresolved anger and fear brewing for a loooooong time and finally erupting in a spiral of hopelessness. We covered over every situation past and present with God's healing truth. Greg and I started attending church and bible study and slowly but surely everything healed over beautifully. I thought I had it all taken care of for the rest of my life. Until last week.
It had been 10 wonderful years since a panic episode. From the outside my life has been looking nice and tidy. Then last Monday night on my way to bible study it happened. My awesome group prayed over me and I thought I was out of the water. Then Tuesday morning during kickboxing it was like a tidal wave. It wouldn't stop. I tried to talk myself out of it to no avail. God even provided a safe face when a sister from church suddenly showed up in class right next to me. Wednesday I forced myself to go workout and was ok until right at the end of my workout. Then walking out of the YMCA I saw the verse of the day..."Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God." Are you kidding me? I had just read that verse that morning! Thursday I had a counseling appointment and thought I was saved, but after going home and sitting down to watch a movie with my family I had another one. I started believing the lie again that I will never heal from this. Then it got worse. I can't even begin to tell you all the other things that were going on in the background of my week. The information is too sensitive and I have to respect all parties involved, but suffice it to say that some traumatic events both happened to me, were revealed, and were reminded of this week. Then several of my close friends had overwhelming , this is not an exaggeration, tragedies of their own. My empathy got the best of me. It was like being thrust into the threshold of hell again. The pinnacle of all of this was an announcement to my precious family that they were not to be sensitive to me about it and I was to get over it. I was furious with myself and God and everything. That's when truth came. I remembered why they happen. Unresolved anger.
I really wish I could pour my heart out and tell you why I've felt so angry and helpless. I've been mad at myself and a handful of other people. I've not communicated it in a healthy way and so here I've been for the last week in a mad funk with no end in sight... but then piece by piece the Lord began to unravel it. This morning I wrote to him:
"You Lord have come to remind me what it means to fix my eyes on You. Forgive me for stumbling around in the darkness for a time instead of shining the light of your truth over each seemingly hopeless situation."
See where the power outage visual comes in? Told you I had a point.
This time I'm grateful I saw the light sooner. I asked for prayer and was honest with close friends and family about what was happening. but that didn't solve everything. The panic has subsided, but I still have some things to deal with. This morning God wanted me to share this because maybe some of you out there are angry. Maybe you hold your feelings in because: you don't want to hurt or burden others with them, you feel ashamed of them or guilty for them. I want to encourage you that those things don't mean you are crazy, just that like me you are broken and need healing. You need to know that your feelings are valid and you need healthy ways to express them. You aren't going to get that by holding everything in and silently doing battle alone or trying to ignore your feelings away. Tell God, tell a safe person, tell a counselor, write it down. Get in the word, get in a small group, and pour truth over every situation alone with God and with other believers. Then receive freedom, receive forgiveness, forgive others, receive the love of God and His peace that passes all understanding.
Tonight I have the privilege of leading worship on Christmas eve. Trying to play Christmas carols on an instrument is maddening! However, singing those words of truth bring healing and freedom to my life in a way they never have before. I am grateful for the love of my God who came to rescue me from sin, for my husband who loves me in sickness and in health, for my children who love Jesus and are the greatest comediennes in all the land, and for my incredible friends who stand around me as shield bearers so that I can heal. God bless you each and every one and have a very peaceful Christmas!
"For unto us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders,
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end."
